Looking for myself.

They told me something that first came as a surprise to me. It was so clear to them, and yet I was truly never really conscious about it: that I've never been secure in the relationship; the way I fuss over him, and am such a different person when he is around. I think, truly think, it was all for love, and not to "keep" him. Yes, I am generally an insecure person. And I do live for him. And I also live because I want to love him. He has been my kindred spirit, my "rock" and I've never been more comfortable and "myself" (perhaps, you would disagree) then when I was with him, at least, when there was just the 2 of us.

They think too, that I've been his to lean on. We had needed each other, in our own ways.

SF believes things happen for a reason. Perhaps my lesson in life is to learn to love myself more and to derive the will to live from inside of me. "I meant that's your lesson at this stage in life. the thing is, your past merely prepares you for your future." Right now, life just seems so devoid of meaning. I walk around with a gaping hole inside of me, and a whole lot of hurt to work at healing, bit by bit.

Have I been living a dream all these 6 years? Yet my heart tells me that the love, the happiness, and the bliss, within me, was deep and true.

It hurts so bad to have him gone from my life, though we are to remain friends. The sharp pangs twist and turn their way inside of me, when I know he now spends time with his other friends, and continues to date her - he is gone from my life.